Depression · Journal · Mental Illness · Neurodiversity · Through the Shattered Glass

Through The Shattered Glass #2

unknown_1_origAbout the series :

In case the title didn’t give it all, Through the Shattered Glass is going to be my Grey Journal. I am going to document my lowest, darkest moments in life. It is also a Journal, but it will only display my darkest days, perhaps even a bit about the aftermath.

                        ******* Through The Shattered Glass #2 *********

I knew that this was going to happen eventually. Fighting back is so hard, but I have to. I am currently sitting on the floor, forcing myself to press these letters as a distraction. It is about to hit me, or maybe I am just hazed out because of knock off, but all  I know that gravity is pulling me down. My head, my neck, and even my eyelids, my everything favoring to be closer to the floor.  Preventing me from reaching to that cup of water that I could literally grab without getting up, standing up instead of sitting in this lethal position, or even grabbing my phone and finish reading what is most probably going to be my 1st 5 stars read for 2017.

But no, all I managed to do is press new blog post, and type the numbness away. I thought yesterday was a successful victory with all of the productivity that I have been in, despite the fact that I went to bed that night, wondering if it is going to stab me right before I fall asleep. So here is my lame attempt of engaging my brain with something other than darkness and sorrow. Here is a reminder that I could fight this, perhaps, but probably not win.

My chest is aching, but I will try to go on. To tell how my yesterday was a great day. For the first time since forever, I was able to wake to pray Fajar. In case you don’t know what is that, it is a prayer that is prayed just before sunrise (5ish am). After praying, I wasn’t feeling sleepy, so I read for an hour and attempted to go back to sleep. I still wasn’t sleepy, so I decided to get up and start my day.

UPDATE: I changed my sitting position. I am still on the floor, but this position is better.

I made by bed, then prepared a healthy breakfast for myself. As I sipped from my smoothie, I started working on 2 blog posts for my blog, and finished them. Attempted to study a lecture, but ended up just skimming through it. It is still the first week of the semester, so even attempting to start is an achievement in itself.

My Migraine was acting out, so I tried to nap for a couple of hours. When I woke up, the migraine was much better. It was a time for a healthy snack, so I made a huge bowl of salad that was seasoned with Garlic, Olive Oil, and freshly squeezed Lemon juice. After that, I read some more, then started organizing my wardrobe because it was a heck of a mess. I felt tired and hungry soon after starting, and tried to  resist  the idea of ordering something to eat online. I didn’t let the dizziness seduce me, so I grabbed some nuts, and watched Merlin as the calories kicked into my system.

UPDATE: I just sipped from that cup of water.

It was time to cook my late lunch/early dinner. I made a lot of pasta, with sautéd mushroom. I munched on my dinner as I listened to a Podcast that I would highly recommend to anyone . It is called Happier with Gretchen Rubin, and it is all about self development and positivity.

Update: I blanked out as I was thinking about typing positivity. It took me a while ( Over a minute to remember the word), as if it is an omen to my current state.

You know when you keep on giving orders to your body with your brain, but nothing complies? Like how getting up is no longer a voluntary move? Well, I just experienced that as I pressed my face to the ground, trying to not think about the last update, but I am finally back.

I finished organizing my wardrobe, and worked on organizing other stuff. When I was finally done, I went a head and started getting ready for bed.

Now, I know what you must all be thinking. ” You call that a productive day?”

Well to me, I have never been that productive, or felt like getting out bed so early, in a very long time. So self care does count as being productive for me.

UPDATE: This was a very hard blog post to write, not because of I feel like I am oversharing, but because of this foggy,grey overlay hanging around every crook and cranny of my brain. However, I do feel much better at the moment. I think I just conquered another battle round with my war against depression.

I don’t feel like editing this, so please ignore all of the typos and grammatical mistakes.

Stay Strong and always love yourself because you are worth it!

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2 thoughts on “Through The Shattered Glass #2

  1. “You know when you keep on giving orders to your body with your brain, but nothing complies? Like how getting up is no longer a voluntary move?”

    I’m currently lying in my bed with this exact problem! It’s really comforting to see you share the same issues I face as I don’t talk about it much due to constantly worrying people will just call me lazy if I tell them about it. It’s very brave of you. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, it inspires me to fight harder against my own issues.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You have no idea how thankful I am for this comment. I am sorry that you are going through the same thing; it sucks. But we need to try even when lose hope of succeeding. You are strong, so keep on resisting, even the end result is still falling.

      Like

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