Journal · Through the Shattered Glass

Through the Shattered Glass #1

About the series :In case the title didn’t give it all, Through the Shattered Glass is going to be my Grey Journal. I am going to document my lowest, darkest moments in life. It is also a Journal , but it will only display my darkest days, perhaps even a bit about the aftermath.

    ********************  Through the Shattered Glass #1  ********************

This is not the post that I wanted to start this series with, but I will feel much accomplished writing this current state of emotion, rather than shuffling through and choosing from one of the old ones. The old posts may give you a clearer view of THIS ( whatever it is ), but then, if I look at the situation again, maybe this the perfect start. Nothing is perfect, that I know. But this is making me finally start this series, and that in its own, is a great accomplishment .

I am mostly annoyed at myself, yet I do nothing to change it. I have been struggling to get out of bed , and do anything but remain still and do nothing. I am annoyed because I get migraine and depression attacks that are so severe & so often , that render me useless for the rest of the day, if not the next few days as well. So why I am struggling to do something as simple as brushing my teeth, cooking myself a meal, and even just reading when I am experiencing none of what I mentioned????

It has become apparent to me that I don’t only feel the sudden cloud of sadness and worthlessness side of depression. I am also struggling with the phenomena known as Meh  ! Now , I do get this grey feeling before the severity of the depression attack hits me, but this isn’t it. It is been around for far too long, and it is surpressing my entire entity .

I want to quote 30STM : ” A thousand times that I have said today, today, today “.
Why? Because for the past few weeks, this has been my Mantra! I wake up each day, and say that today is the day I fight back and accomplish something. Each night, I go to bed saying that tomorrow will be the day.

Today, I was able to slay some demons. Not in the elegant , efficient way like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In fact, it was like tripping, falling headfirst , swinging my blade with no reasonable directions, and somehow,  I  managed to hit the bullseye . 

Today, I was able to read…..a lot! I mean, I wasn’t the person who was reading; thank God for Alex , the male version of Siri . Together we were able to finish 20% of the book, so although I  wasn’t out of bed, I was able to accomplish something.

Score:
Depression: 1000
Me: 01

Then I prayed. And for the 1st time in forever, I was able to concentrate and kind of connect with Allah while I was praying. This alone filled the hollow space in my soul with bits of hope. A loud message of “This Meh feeling is only temporary !!!!”

Score:
Depression: 997
Me: 04 ( because I prayed 3 times in that enchanting way)

I was still unable to cook myself a simple meal such as Pasta, so I caved in and ordered enough food for the rest of the day.

Score:
Depression: 998
Me: 04

I finally decided to begin this series , so if you are reading this….. I did it !!!!!

Score:
Depression: 997
Me: 05

I will go now to pray and eat my lunch. If  I manage to get some studying done, which I need to do because I have multiple of exams during this upcoming week, that would be amazing!   But hey! Even if I fail, at least I won’t start from scratch tomorrow; I have already started my  “Things to accomplish List”, and scratched multiple tasks out of it !

I  will beat the fuck out of this SHIT !!!!!!! 😀

Till next time,

Ayah

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